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If there are 50 ways to leave your lover, how come everybody uses the same old shtick?
The Classic Dump: A silent-but-deadly dump, most frequently employed by those who do not wish a "scene." The methodology of this particular dump is to do nothing- Don't call, don't write, don't answer the phone, don't show up, don't do anything. A slow and tortuous dump, it usually takes the dumpee a while to figure out if in fact he/she has been dumped. It is a cowardly, common dump. Can't you guys be more creative?
The Alan Alda Dump: You still profess to "care." You still want to be "friends" (pardon me while I spew all over your Gap soft khakis). This dump is achieved with gentle conversation, lots of eye contact and non-sexual touching. Spare me. Closely related to the Condescending Dump.
The Condescending Dump: This dump happens when the dumper has found somebody "better," someone deemed superior to the dumpee. The dumper has found someone like this who will actually take him/her, and thus suddenly and inexplicably catapults several notches higher on the social ladder, for now. This dump is committed by boldly and coldheartedly confronting the dumpee with, "Mere's someone else," followed by some lame and wholly insincere apology.
The Pre-Emptive Dump: This is an insidious dump, executed before any sort of even marginal relationship has been established. You went to dinner or A movie, or had a weekend fling or something and decided the pheremones just weren't there. Even though you don't know this person at all, you know you can do better. This tends to raise lots of self-esteem issues in the dumpee, who feels he/she didn't even have a fair chance to blow it. You say something stupid like, "Manks for a great time, but I don't think it's going to work out," which really means, "I can't imagine sex with you for any sustained period." It also usually means, "I have the attention span of a toddler and an ego the size of Canada."
The Fuck & Run Dump: Enough said. Employed universally by teenagers, and more well-educated, well-employed, smooth-talking thirty-something men than America wants to admit. Beware the fallacies of national sex surveys that suggest most of us are happily engaged in three-times-a-week monogamous bliss. Yeah, right. If you're on the open market and not' automatically expecting a fuck and run dump, odds are you're a virgin. Or really, really dumb. Just really dumb.
The VengefulfVindictiveNociferous Dump: This happens at the end of a real relationship, after a serious investment in time, sex and psyche, with some soulful talk about the future. Usually one or both partners has committed some heinous crime, like sleeping with her best friend or telling him he sounds like a gay Woody Allen on the phone. Generally there is common property to be divided. Exercise caution with this dump: the impulse is to pack a quick suitcase and get the hell out this minute whereupon it takes about three years and a billion dollars worth of therapy to get over it. Lots of people tend to be involved in this dump - it is a very painful, public dump. There's some real ugly drama going on here; it doesn't get any dumpier than this. And remember that he/she who yells the loudest and/or hurls the most property across the room will forever be branded a psycho within the circle of friends, all of whom will hear about the dump in eternal, gory detail.