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In which our heroine gives the Snuggle bear what for
Do you ever get to the laundry only to discover you don't have any change so you go next door to Walgreens and buy a pack of gum with a $20 bill, and for some reason you can't quite look the cashier in the eye because you feel like you're robbing them or something?
Does Sandra Day O'Connor have to do laundry? What about Susan Stamberg or John Mellencamp or Courtney Love? At what point does one officially cross over into that otherworld of people who don't have to do laundry? Princess Di is probably one of those people who didn't used to have to, but has to now, and that's the unkindest cut of all.
How does that Downy ball really work, anyway? How does it know it's the rinse cycle?
Sometimes I open the lid real fast and try to catch it pop open, but I never do. And for a second I think, "Jesus, maybe it knows I'm watching it."
I've never really learned how to use bleach, and time is running out.
Sometimes I turn on the hot "whites" water, then switch to the cold "colors" water and then back and forth like that so I will in fact have warm water. It makes me feel guilty like I'm cheating the machine or something, even though I realize I wouldn't have to do this if the "colors" water was actually warm like it's supposed to be. But in all my years of laundry it never has been, even once.
I always throw "hand wash only" stuff right in there with the rest of it. Then I feel lazy and guilty. Rayon makes me feel the worst.
Sometimes I mix whites and colors together to stretch my laundry budget and I think, Oh my God, my mother was right- I'll never amount to anything.
It scares me how toothpaste never, ever comes out of my clothes.
You know how you're supposed to put the laundry detergent in first and fill the water up a little bit before you put the clothes in? Sometimes I forget this and pack my clothes in there first, and think, "This is the reason I'm not successful."
You know you're really fucked up when you remember to put the laundry detergent in and fill it up, then forget to put the clothes in. You come back to find the empty machine already on spin and you're absolutely convinced this indicates early onset of senile dementia or maybe a brain tumor.
Sometimes I put two dryer sheets in instead of one, and then I feel like a typical decedant wasteful selfish spoiled greedy American consumer raping our natural resources and destroying the planet.
Since they don't know what causes the flesh-eating bacteria, I've wondered if it's that anti-cling stuff, and will it ever occur to anybody to check that out?
Do you ever think about how most of your clothes in your laundry basket have been worn just once, probably only like eight hours in an office or something, and they're not even dirty but you go ahead and wash them anyway, and that makes you wonder if you have some sort of abnormal obsession with cleanliness and what is the name of this disorder and how exactly is it defined by the American Psychological Association?