Bad Advice, Inc.

We know how to do it because we've seen it on TV

It seems everyone these days is qualified to give advice. If you were in a sitcom or in movies but can't get jobs anymore, or if you were in a sitcom but then had an embarrassing run-in with a transvestite hooker, or if you were overweight but aren't anymore, or if you were overweight and then you weren't but now you are, you can have a talk show and dispense advice. We don't have a talk show, but just because we don't have one doesn't mean we couldn't have one. And that's all the qualification we need to be your personal advice columnist.

At Parties

The thought of making conversation with strangers at a party can cause even the most self-assured person to get cancer and die. But it doesn't have to be that way. Using just a few simple guidelines you too can learn to listen to people, even strangers, respond to what they have said, listen to what they say back, respond again, listen again to their response, respond with something stupid, appear to actually shrink in size as they openly mock your last statement, and finally withdraw to the guest bedroom where you spend the rest of the evening huddled under a pile of coats.

Seriously, there's no such thing as a few simple guidelines to make you any more interesting. If you were boring in high school, you're boring now. If you're afraid of going to parties, nothing we say is going to make any difference. Nothing ever does.

Still, we did promise you a few simple guidelines.

A Few Simple Guidelines

  1. Listen for key words or phrases to help you keep the conversation going.
    "I love to play tennis, but it's starting to get to my elbow."
    You could say:
    "In gym class one time I got hit by a dodgeball so hard one of my testicies fell off."

  2. Relate to what the other person is saying, even if, like us, you have no idea what "Relate to what the other person is saying" means.
    "I have three cats and two dogs. I thought about becoming a veterinarian, but decided to study botany instead."
    "I think the hardest part about being a veterinarian would be sticking your hand up some cow's ass. But flowers don't have asses, so that's good."

  3. Listen for coded signals that the person is interested in you. Respond accordingly.
    "My fiance and I are getting married in June. I'm really looking forward to our life together."
    "I'm really looking forward to our life together, too, but my name is not June."

At Home

You open the door to your daughter's bedroom and find her masturbating. Both of you are frozen in embarrassment. It's important to remember at a time like this that you are totally unprepared to deal effectively with this situation. But apologizing for the intrusion and discreetly shutting the door would be too simple a response, so by all means feel free to open your fat mouth. A word of caution to the father: Unfortunately, anything you say is going to lead directly to your daughter acting a lot like Traci Lords. For the mother, the situation presents a different problem: How do you reassure your daughter that masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of while discouraging her from enjoying it so often she fails to develop her innate ability to fake an orgasm? Try saying: "You know there's nothing wrong with what you're doing, but too much of it and you could develop palsy. And then what boy will like you?"

You walk in on your teenage son masturbating. He is obviously mortified. You know your response will have a profound effect on him. Try one of these three:

  1. Sob uncontrollably
  2. Suggest he make the experience more enjoyable by tightening his belt around his neck and hanging himself from his bunk bed.
  3. Tell him, "You make Jesus sick."

At the Office

You are in middle management. One of your employees is questioning your authority and spreading rumors about you behind your back. Take the troublesome individual aside and explain to him that he is making your job harder and you don't appreciate it. If he responds, "I don't care. I think you are a terrible manager," try saying, "I appreciate your opinion, but I'm not going to allow you to jeopardize my job." Then hit him in the head with a hammer.

You are in middle management. You've just killed a troublesome employee. And now you're going to Disney World. What do you do with the body? Nothing. That's what secretaries are for.

Your company is downsizing, or rightsizing, or correctsizing. (Actually, your company is laying off most of its employees and replacing them with third-world workers who, at the end of a 16-hour workday, are paid in Milk Duds.) Just before leaving on the corporate jet with a planeload of hookers and booze, the company executives inform you that they want you to deliver the bad news. There are two ways to do this.

  1. Call each employee into your office and personally inform him or her: "The company is laying off hundreds and hundreds of workers. You are but one, which means I've got a long day ahead of me. Go now."
  2. Call all the employees into your office. Hit them in the head with a hammer.
You have to fire an employee but you're too much of a wimp to do it face to face. Call your employees together and say: "Everyone who thinks I should take John into my office to tell him he's fired, raise your hand." While the employees sit stunned, say- 'John, I would have liked to do this in private, but apparently your coworkers are as insensitive as you are incompetent."

An employee who deserves a raise asks for one. Your company has put a wage freeze into effect. Instead of telling the employee that, say: "You can't have a raise because you're a jackoff." This is known as being cruel to be kind.

You approach your boss about a raise. Your boss says no, "Money is too tight right now." You can respond, "That's okay. I'll channel the anger and frustration I'm feeling right now into planning the perfect murder, ass face."

Your boss asks you to work late again. You don't want to. Your boss pressures you, saying, "We could lose this account." Tell your boss, "I am not your pet monkey to be told when and where I shall make the wee-wee." Emphasize your point by baring your teeth and slapping the floor.

Your boss has given you an unbearable workload and an impossible deadline. To make matters worse, the last employee to complain about something like this accidently hit his head on a hammer. Think the situation over before you go to your boss. Then, try approaching your boss calmly and quietly, from behind, striking downward on the back of his head with a blunt object until such time as your arm is tired. Then assume his identity and continue uninterrupted his oppression of the oppressed. You will like it.

Your boss invites you to go golfing. You accept. You play much better than your boss and have a 20-stroke lead heading to the last tee. You know your boss is upset and has been since the first hole, but despite your attempts to play down to his level you cannot. To assuage your boss's hostility toward you, try giving him an excuse. Tell him, "Your problem is that you have big breasts for a man. They get in your way."

Around town

Your best friends have their first child and invite you over to see the baby, but fail to warn you that all newborns look like Yoda. You recoil when they ask if you would like to hold the child. You've succeeded in making everyone uncomfortable. Ease the tension by suggesting they name the child Barfy.

You are meeting your girlfriend's parents for the first time. Your dog starts a passionate love affair with her mother's leg. Everyone is embarrassed. Everyone, that is, but you. Leering at your girlfriend's mother, you begin a slow bump and grind in her direction. 'Woof," you say 'Woof, woof."

You are about to have sex. You realize your booster rockets are not firing. You are impotent. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Most men experience impotence at least once. Still, it can lead to an awkward moment. Don't alienate your partner by shutting her out. Try saying something like, "I'm not getting an erection because your breasts are funny looking. Maybe if you covered them up it would help."