Ask Dr. Kooky

Advice on problems sexual, medical and gastronomical
from America's leading unlicensed physician

Dear Dr. Kooky:

Did you know:

  1. Contrary to popular belief, squirrels and rats do not carry rabies?
  2. The most common sexually transmitted disease in high socioeconomic classes is chlamydia?
Carrie Gosch
Chicago, IL

Dear Carrie:
I had no idea squirrels and rats were grouped by socioeconomic class. If you plan on having sex with a rodent, no matter how much money it makes, take precautions. One of the most effective steps to protect your partner from a sexually transmitted disease is cleanliness. Women should avoid Mickey Rourke. Men can sterilize the penis by simply passing it over an open flame.

Dr. Kooky:
How does one know if one's partner is sexually satisfied?
June Reinisch
On the road again

Dear June: I can't speak for my partner, but I know I'm having fun when my blow-up doll starts to whistle.

Dr. Kooky:
Some of my friends at school say there is no Dr. Kooky. They say you're just made up and not for real. But mom says if it's in Fishheads, it's so. Please tell me the truth, Is there a Dr. Kooky?
Chelsea
Hangin'with the Quakers

Dear Chelsea: Yes, Chelsea, there is a Dr. Kooky, as surely as there is a Joyce Brothers. Not believe in Dr. Kooky! You might as well not believe in Stanley Kahn. Even if your mother succeeds in restructuring our Byzantine health care system, Chelsea, Dr. Kooky will live on in the delightful antics of trusted physicians who make fun of their patients' naked bodies. A thousand years from now, Chelsea, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, Dr. Kooky will continue to perform unnecessary plastic surgery while drunk, making glad the hearts of lawyers.

Dr. Kooky:
Did you know that Gold Bond Medicated Powder and Ovaltine are the same product? Mix it thin, and it's a refreshing breakfast beverage. A little thicker, and it's a soothing, and tasty, poultice for that oozing cold sore. just thought you should know.
The Quik 'All I am is Dust in the Wind' Bunny

Dear Dust Bunny:
Thanks for the info. Here are some other products that are actually the same thing: Tidy Cat kitty litter and Grape Nuts; Clyde Lee and Greg Todd, and Gyne-Moistrin vaginal moisturizer and Pam.

Note to that woman who cut off her husband's penis: To ensure that the organ cannot be surgically re-attached next time, wait till your husband is asleep, then cover the penis in peanut butter and let the dog chew it off.