Cooking While Semi-Conscious

TOFU NEWTON


Open the package of fig newtons. Place the plastic wrapper in a safe place where a passing porpoise or whale cannot accidently swallow it and choke to death. Cradle the newtons in your arms, feeling the life energy of the Mother Goddess surging through them. Carefully placing the newtons on a dish cloth woven with care by a member of one of the indigenous tribes of Guatemala, coax the fig filling out of the newtons. "Come forth, figgie filling! Break free the doughy shackles imposed upon you by the paternalistic, Euro-centric, male-dominated baking industry!"

While sitting in the lotus position, massage the tofu with strong, even strokes. Empower the tofu, allowing it to realize that for which it is to be. (Self-actualized tofu actually produces less intestinal gas.) Place the tofu next to the newton husks. Leave the room, taking the fig filling with you. Massage the fig filling into your temples, using strong, even strokes.