By Kathryn Carmony
Who would like to tell you where you can shove your little book of daily affirmations
6:15 a.m. Remove sleeping cat from your head and hit the snooze alarm.
6:25 Wake up 10 minutes late for Work before you're even out of bed.
6:25:01 Discover you're out of coffee.
6:25:02 Realize you didn't have the extra pack of smokes like you thought.
6:25:03 Notice you left the pork chops out all night in your 86 degree apartment.
6:25:07 Take two Tylenol with Strawberry SlimFast.
6:27 Step in a fresh hairball your cat has deposited on your clean rug, on your way to fetch the
newspaper, which hasn't arrived.
6:29 Mop up the hairball, gagging, patiently explaining why we don't eat plants.
6:29:01 Realize you're alone. Talking to a cat. With cat puke squished between your toes.
6:34 Hear well-paid, highly successful, award-winning NPR commentator say "irregardless";
suddenly realize you're three months behind on your student loans.
6:43 Turn on chirpy local TV morning show instead, whereupon eye-in-the-sky immediately
reports a gruesome, multi-car accident on your route to work.
6:47 Flip back to Morning Edition, which reports the latest car bombing and plane crash, that the
next major recession is unavoidable, and that dry cleaning causes cancer.
6:47:02 Remember to pick up your dry cleaning.
6:55 Peer in the bathroom mirror and wonder if that mole was always that dark.
7:08 Realize that at 10 minutes a pop, you spend more than a year of your life in the shower.
7:15 Nick your ankle to the bone with the razor, discover you're out of Band-Aids, dab it with
toilet paper, then bleed all over your new white towel.
7:18 Observe your cat jump into two inches of water in draining tub, scream, race around
tracking pawprints all over the apartment. Worry that he has a below-average cat IQ.
7:24 Suddenly remember you've forgotten the entire periodic table.
7:26 Distracted by the cat licking the top of your open bottle of saline solution, drop your new
contact lens down the drain.
7:28 Hear rapid succession of pops somewhere in the neighborhood - tell yourself it must be
kids having a little fun with firecrackers again.
7:31 Struggle to button your skirt, which seems alarmingly snug this morning.
7:33 Pack a Snapple, Coke and BBQ Fritos for lunch; look longingly at Sam Adams six pack and
calculate the hours, minutes and seconds before you can slam it.
7:33:01 Notice the baking soda box in the fridge expired 11 months ago.
7:42 Search fruitlessly for keys. Find them under ex-boyfriend's wedding invitation.
7:49 Discover a new rust spot on the car.
7:54 At the exact, precise moment you've gone too far to go back, remember you forgot to bring
the overdue videos. And your lunch.
7:59 Realize it's a Monday holiday and most of the world has the day off, except you.
8:03 Hit the red light at every single intersection; notice your brakes are grinding and your almost out of gas.
8:17 Absentmindedly run gas down the side of the car, then notice that gas prices went up
another 7% overnight.
8:26 Whip into the drive-up for an Egg McMuffin and cup of scalding coffee; get the incorrect
change; forget to ask for cream; spill boiling coffee all over you lap; obsess about fat grams;
sideswipe the building on your way out.
8:37 Sneak into office the back way and run smack into boss.
8:39 Engage in witty, inspiring banter with coworkers, such as "Gosh, that Dilbert sure is funny!"
and "Didja see Baywatch last night?"
8:46 Flip the computer switch and bask in the glow of deadly radiation.
8:47 Be grateful for your spirit-crushing, low-paying , terminally boring job.
