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The rocket's red glare; the bombs setting fire to your hair

By Steve Robinson
Who has a bottle rocket aimed at your head as we speak

Hey you aspiring militia members - has your next shipment of ammonium nitrate and brake fluid been delayed? Don't despair, and don't forget this: mayhem and chaos are not conditions you create, it's what you are. So with that in mind, let's get out those leftover Fourth of July fireworks and get to work.

Although lighting farts has become standard practice among soldier-of-fortune wannabes, you would be surprised how quickly you can clear a swimming pool by lighting farts ... underwater! It's easy! Tape a Whistling Moon Traveler to the end of a fuel regulator. Set the regulator to full throttle and insert the other end up your ass. For best results, consume three to four pounds of beans, two ounces slightly rancid meat (any variety), and lots of carbonated beverages. Get a good night's sleep and bright and early the next day head down to the local YMCA. Climb up the high dive, stand on the edge of the diving board and yell, "Fire in the hole!" (Pun intended.) Then light the fuse and dive in head first.
Warning: Going in feet first will almost certainly ensure that you will spontaneously explode underwater. Bystanders will still scatter like roaches, but the regulator could ricochet off the cement and actually hurt someone. Safety first! A nice variation on this trick is to straddle the aquarium of someone whose fish you despise. It is important that when your friend discovers his floating fish (and you standing there dripping wet with your pants around your ankles and a fuel regulator sticking out of your ass) that you LOOK INCONSPICUOUS.
Starting a newsletter for veterans with delayed stress syndrome? You can cheaply and quickly get your mailing list together utilizing the Super Raging Rottweiler 16-Shot Battery Build a rotating stand and mount several Rottweiler units on top. Go to the VA hospital around 2 or 3 am and set up the Rottweiler Mobile Command Post outside. Then light the fuses and yell, "Incoming!" Now comes the hard part- After you are taken captive by the rampaging patients you must somehow convince them that you are not "Charley." If you survive the night, you can start soliciting subscriptions.
Like to fight with bottle rockets? Sure you do. If you're a real man or woman, why not try it my way Park two Ford Pintos 50 feet apart facing away from each other (with famously explosive gas tanks exposed). Load the passenger seat with five or six gross of bottle rockets with report (boom!). Then begin firing at each other "Wild Bill" style using the sideview mirror to aim. If you've really got balls (or ovaries), do the Pinto face-off in a gas station, and load the back seats with the families of trial lawyers.
Estes brand model rocket engines are my personal favorite pyrotechnics. Although not generally considered fireworks, they can be modified to become so. Assemble the following items: Class D or E Estes rocket engines, tape, a straw, a straight wire, nichrome wire and jumper cables. Next, go to the Skunkworks top secret military research and development base. Wait for nightfall and move as close to the perimeter as possible. Stick the straight wire into the ground. Tape a piece of straw to the side of an engine. Now bend the nichrome wire into a V shape and insert the point into the rocket engine. Set the rocket with straw attached on the straight wire using the straw as a guide. Open your car hood and connect the battery cables to your battery Touch the jumper cables to the two exposed ends of the nichronie wire. The engine will bolt toward the sky, but with no stabilizing nosecone and fins it will go flying off in 967 different directions. (It might be a good idea to wear some sort of protective helmet. You can make one for yourself out of tin foil. Remember: Safety first!)

The careening rocket will really give a lift to all those UFO watchers who have been patiently camping out near the base all these years. It will also give you the opportunity to evaluate the response time of red alert scramble pilots and the base's military police. When the MPs come for you - standing there holding a set of jumper cables, your head wrapped in tin foil, your pants around your ankles and a fuel regulator still sticking out of your ass - remember to LOOK INCONSPICUOUS.

Good luck, and remember: If God had wanted us to have this many fingers he wouldn't have invented M-80s.