Many schools today require students to take a comprehensive academic test before they can move on to the next level. We
have no problem with that. We just think they're neglecting to test for another important aspect of your child's education -
social skills. We've put together this highly subjective, altogether incomplete list of things your child should have picked up
at school. Add your own suggestions and test the kids.
After kindergarten your child should know:
"Milk, milk, lemonade, around the comer fudge is made"
That asking a friend to say "I" and then spell "cup" is EXTREMELY funny
The "see-food" gag
Underwear is the basic building block of comedy
After elementary school your child should know:
How to look up dirty words in the dictionary
"Comet, it tastes like gasoline; Comet, it makes your mouth turn green; Comet, it makes you vomit; so drink some Comet
and vomit today." (Sung to the tune of The Bridge On the River Kwai song.)
"Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg; the Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away, Hey!" (Sung to the tune
of Jingle Bells.)
"Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts; mutilated monkey meat; thirty dirty birdy feet; french-fried eyballs dipped in
a bowl of blood; eat 'em without a spoon!" (Sung to the tune of the Greasy Grimy Gopher Guts song.)
At least one of the two following songs:
"Diarrhea, (thbbbt, thbbbt), diarrhea (thbbbt, thbbbt); some people think it's funny, but it's really brown and runny,
diarrhea (thbbbt, thbbbt)"
'When you're sliding into first and you feel something burst - diarrhea, diarrhea;
When you're sliding into third and you lay a juicy turd - diarrhea, diarrhea;
When you're sliding into home and your shorts are filled with foam - diarrhea, diarrhea;
When you're sitting in your Chevy and your shorts are wet and heavy - diarrhea, diarrhea."
The titles to a series of books written by Seymour Butz, I. P. Nightly, et al.
How to make armpit farts
How to fold his/her eyelids back
How to hock a loogey
How to burp his/her name
After middle school your child should know:
What the four bases are
How to swear like a truck driver
Where you keep your pornography hidden
After high school your child should know:
How to shotgun a beer
That shotgunning a warm beer is asking for trouble
After college your child should know:
How to recognize the early signs of alcohol poisoning
The theme songs from "The Brady Bunch," "Gilligan's Island," "The Beverly Hillbillies," etc.
