Whiting, which is as close to Chicago as you can get
and still be in Indiana, could also be called Amoco Land. Jim
Payne runs the world's busiest Amoco gas station, complete
with a Gas Pump Playland, where kids can slide down a
104 foot high pump handle slackened with a healthy splash of
89-octane lead-free Amoco Silver gasoline. Fireworks are
provided by the neighboring Amoco oil refinery, which has
had enough emergencies to keep northwest Indiana's
firefighters among the busiest in the Midwest. Town
higher-ups ask that visitors please refrain from smoking while
in Whiting.
Visit the Dan Quayle museum in downtown
Huntington and admire his book collection, autographed by
Babar himself. In nearby Bippus is the home of Chris
Schenkel, ABC's bowling commentator since the sport was
invented.
Indianapolis residents transplanted from Los Angeles,
Houston, New York or Washington D.C. can head to the
Amoco station at 38th and Fall Creek to relive some big-city
excitement. Although the station is located just across the
street from the State Fairgrounds - the home of everything
cornpone and truly Hoosier - you have the chance to fill up
on real live carjackings and police-action shootings, at least a
couple per week. It packs the thrill of diving for your life on
a Gotham street corner.
The Bargersville Area Civic Organization, or BACO,
dormant for nearly a decade, resuscitated itself this spring
with a beauty pageant, creating a stir for nearly an entire
country block. Eight lovely teenage girls showed up for the
initial meeting. After rules requiring entrants to have a full
set of teeth were instituted, three showed for the second
meeting. Come pageant day, just one entrant remained. The
other seven must have known something was up, because
the winner was gutted and skinned, ground into tiny brown
specks and sprinkled on salads throughout Johnson County.
It's back to the drawing board for BACO.
Need a private investigator? Head to Terre Haute and
ask for Gregory Crim, who has compiled detailed dossiers
on more than 200 area women. Just one problem: Nobody
asked for his help; he did it all on his own. And he has
unusual investigative techniques. Under the window of one
woman he spied on was a jar of peanut butter. Also,
according to police, Crim used semen and urine to
contaminate food products in about 80 homes. Authorities,
jealous of Crim's highly successful investigative strategies,
arrested him. Crim's lawyer actually said: "Other than these
charges, he's a wonderful man and a good husband." Oh,
yeah, a regular Ward Cleaver or Ozzie Nelson. "Ward, I think
this milk's gone bad and it's only a day old," says June, who
then vomits into the sink. "Imagine that," Ward says, an
impish grin pulling at the comers of his mouth. Look for
Crim's new P.I. office in the Vigo County Jail.
Worried about Junior's shooting skills? Take a trip down
to Paoli and enroll your child in the local school syste&s
firearms instruction class. State conservation officers will teach
the class, open to kindergarten through eighth-grade students,
and will provide the guns. The curriculum will include
demonstrating the proper method of sticking a BB gun up a
frog's ass, tormenting the family cat, dressing a head wound,
and lobbying against the Brady bill.
Warrick County in deep southwest Indiana has no
professional sports teams or symphonies. It does have indoor
plumbing, as far as we know. But there's one thing the natives
of Boonville and surrounding communities can boast about:
Hogs! Wild hogs! Nasty fanged wild hogs! Hundreds of 'em!
Someone with true entrepreneurial spirit imported razorback
hogs and let 'em loose in Warrick County to wreak havoc. The
guests have become famous for mauling and molesting
innocent farm hogs as they play in the southern Indiana slop.
State Board of Animal Health investigator Robert Apple was
confused by the presence of the razorbacks. "I'm not sure why
anyone would want a wild boar head on the wall for a trophy"
Yeah, but a bleeding disembodied hog head stuck to the grill
of your '81 Oldsmobile would look mighty nice - and smell
even better.
