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The Hastleton
Survival Guide
By Madonna Rodham "Tonya Bobbitt' Lovett
Who would just as soon cut your penis off as look at you
It's a frightening hymn to American consumerism, an
alarming example of the mini-mall gone mad. It's Castleton,
the subject of more bitching, pissing and moaning than just
about anyplace else on the pathetic Indianoplace retail
landscape. I work in Castleton, slinging retail every day of my
pitiful, college-educated life, and I'm sick of hearing this shit
from you people. I hate you. You're not going to stop
shopping here because, let's face it, there's lots of stuff to buy
up here and that's what you live for. If you're going to do
serious shopping in Indianapolis, you're going to do
Castleton, so shut up and learn to deal with it. Get a clue.
Because I'm a sensitive, generous person, I'm here to kindly
offer my tips, advice, observations and survival guide to the
Castleton chaos. So listen up. And hey - have a nice day.
- Never turn left.
- Remember the shoulder of the road is a wonderful thing
that can take you many places you want to go.
- 82nd Street is 86th Street except where it is actually 86th
Street, but if you stay on 86th Street it will take you back to
82nd Street anyway where it again becomes 86th Street.
- The back of the mall is on 86th Street, the front on 82nd
Street that is really 86th Street. So shut up and stop asking me,
okay?
- Avoid vehicles with Hancock County license plates at all
costs.
- A trip from Castleton Mall to the Fashion Mall at
Keystone at the Crossing via 82nd Street takes 47 minutes,
whereas the same trip on I-465 takes six minutes. Getting to
1-465 from Castleton Mall, however, takes 41 minutes, no
matter who you are, what kind of car you drive, or how big
your penis is. Either way, you're fucked. Moral: do not go to
the Fashion Mall where your '83 Honda Civic is likely to cause
you acute embarrassment anyway.
- Learn the five different ways to access Cub Foods and life
might suddenly become worth living.
- Never turn left, you idiot!
- Lazarus. Ayres. Galyan's. Goodwill. What's wrong with
this picture?
- Go ahead, honk that horn. You're in Castleton, so the
other driver probably won't get out of his car, walk over and
blow your head off with an Uzi. I say probably...
- Learn how to page for help at Lazarus yourself. Pick up
the phone and say, "May I have your attention please?
Customer needs assistance at the jewelry counter." Try it. It's
easy! And believe me, somebody always comes running down
that escalator right away.
- People who have to eat lunch in Castleton all have a
secret, and it is this: Perkins. Yes, Perkins.
- Those little arrows painted on the road indicate turn lanes:
T-U-R-N L-A-N-E-S. This is the lane you want to be in when
you turn. Got it?
- The speed limit on Allisonville Road is 45 miles per hour,
which means you can comfortably drive 50 miles per hour
without getting arrested, which is 35 miles per hour than most
of you are driving. Move it already!
- WORST PARKING LOT: Care for an exciting game of
Mega-Death Bumper Cars? Try the Marsh lot at 86th and
Allisonville, the most unbelievably fucked up lot in the city
(except of course for the Marsh lot at 52nd and Keystone which
is beyond all comparison to anything even remotely civilized).
It's even more interesting when you're not in a car.
- BEST PARKING LOT: Target/Designer Shoe Warehouse.
Chances are pretty good that both you and your car can
survive this lot. And there's even a light and three ways out of
the place and everything! You realize this doesn't help much
when you really want to go to Pier 1, but also realize that no
one on the planet really cares about your problems either.
- Beware the Ferrari bearing Hamilton County plates as
there's a real good chance the driver doesn't grasp the concept
of "pedestrian right-of-way."
- The little green arrow means, "GO, GODDAMNIT!"
- FYI: Castleton Mall has a convenient side entrance with a
straight shot to The Dollar Store for the riffraff.
- Dickhead drivers who cause gridlock in Castleton ought to
receive life without parole. So where's a cop when you need
one? Stuck in traffic, of course. Break the cycle and let our
city's finest bust some ass out there once in a while while the
rest of us sit back and enjoy it.
- And never turn left, you moron!
