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Howdy! I moved. Since leaving Indianapolis, I have had to deal with a backed up sewer and a dog with urinary problems. If this is a sign of things to come, I will be going through a lot of room deodorizer. But it could be worse. I could still be in Indianapolis. I just never warmed up to the place. I missed trees, hills and men wearing John Deere caps. I have found all that and more here in Bloomington. The mix of southern Indiana rednecks and IU intelligentsia (or those trying to pass for it) is endlessly amusing. A place where big-hair ladies with few teeth and snotty university girls both shop at K Mart. The place I now call home. If you ever find yourself in these here parts, give me a call. I may not make bail for you, but I will come poke at you with a stick.
Paula Hopper
Bloomington
Including this issue, Fishheads has printed 45 letters from our readers. Five have mentioned hair. Of those, Paula Hopper wrote two,
or 40 percent. Of the renwining three letters that mentioned hair, one uses in response to a letter of Paula's. Without Paula Hopper, our
hair-related correspondence would drop by 60 percent. God bless you, Paula Hopper!
MOMMY DEAREST
'There may be an "h" in Jesus H. fucking Christ's name, but not in mine!! You misspelled my goddamn name in your last issue. Cancel my subscription immediately, dickheads.
Sincerely,
Mother Teresa
We'll probably go to hell for saying this, but for a saint you sure do have a potty mouth, Mother Teresa. If that is your real name.
WHY SHOULD WE?
Please send me an extra-large Fishheads T-shirt. Fuckers.
Collin Jordan
Bloomington
Better people than you, Mr. Jordan, refer to us as dickheads.
IT'S DEJA VOMIT ALL OVER AGAIN
I got a real laugh out of your "vomit stories" article in the January issue. Is it too late to get aboard the bandwagon?
Michael Klass
Indianapolis
Yes, but you missed the deadline by only two months.
CINDY'S HOUSE OF SUITS
I am soo-ooo pissed at you guys. I asked my agent to make sure I have been on the cover of every magazine in the universe at least six times and he comes back and he says, "No, you haven't been on Fishhe4ds even once." And I says, "No way!" And he says, "But Kathy Ireland has done their cover.' And I says, "Mat silicone-from-a-spray-can bitch?" And he says, "Yes."
You'll be hearing from my lawyer.
Cindy Crawford
Watching you from the magazine rack
Gentlemen:
It has come to my attention that your publication stands in violation of Federal Regulation MMCXIV, paragraph C, which clearly requires you to put my client, Cindy Crawford, on the cover of your magazine a minimum of three (3) times per annum.
Whereupon notification of this infraction, said supermodel did exclaim, "No way!", whereupon I says, "But Kathy Ireland did their cover," whereupon she was soo-ooo pissed at you guys. Consequences for your omission shall be swift and severe. Your publication will be required to print a minimum of one (1) feature length "up-close-and-personal" article about said supermodel wherein said supermodel will be quoted as saying, "I'm really just a stay-at-home, cotton-pullover type of gal."
Dutch Rubens
Attorney at Law
Aren't you the same Dutch Rubens who wrote in saying the Bank One building was a giant penis? And don't you in fact, Mr. Rubens, suffer from severe psychotic episodes involving auditory and visual hallucinations? Put another way, Mr. Rubens, you like to bark like a squirrel, don't you? No further questions, your honor.
JOHN THE BAPTIST
Who shall be thy best friend? Shall it be thy father, thy mother, or thy mistress that the wife knows nothing about? Now, I think thy best friend shall be the one that cares the most, thy toilet. It encourages you to do your best, and comforts you when you're in pain. But do we care about the toilet's feelings? I think not. I remember a long time ago when I could hear the toilet crying, because Uncle Frank was sitting on him after eating Chinese food. So the next time you have to go real bad, think about thy toilet's feelings. And go shit in a cornfield.
Michael Olin
Columbus
In the May/June issue, Michael wrote in to complain about his sister's abuse of the bathroom privileges at his house. We're beginning to detect a theme here. (And you thought we took those English lit courses just to pad our GPA.)
LETTER FROM A DISGRUNTLED FORMER SUBSCRIBER
OK, so the Kathy Ireland thing was cute, but the humor isn't consistent and the doubling up on issues is below the belt - front or back I'm not sure.
Then you knocked Star Trek, and now this naked Geena Davis clone thing is the last straw! I mean really, even in Carmel, humor has it's price. Besides I'm a state employee - I can't take any more mirth and laughter right now. Excuse me, my blisters are running ...
P.S. I ordered The New Yorker instead.
Scott Brewer
Carmel
A state employee who can afford to live in Carmel AND subscribe to The New Yorker? Does the word embezzlement ring a bell, Mr.
Brewer? (Absolutely true: Mr. Brewer used a purple crayon to compose the letter above.)
THE LATEST IN A LONG LINE OF LETTERS ABOUT HAIR
Re: "Cindee" in your guide to the Indiana State Fair human exhibits Ouly/August 1993): And you claim to have your finger on the pulse of all things redneck? I think not. Shame on your inobservance! What is the hallmark of Union Station, those big-wheel truck shows at the Dome and everything east of Shadeland? HOOSIER HAIR!! Yes, gentlemen, we're talking Poodle Perms, Rooster Combs, Farrah Flips Redux, and those disgusting rattails that went out with the Reagan administration (the first one). Look around you. How many women in this state have you been tempted to ask, "Are those bangs, or is that a ski jump on your forehead?"
I'm appalled that you missed this.
Sincerely,
Name withheld 'cuz I'm scared shitless of everyone and everything in this state
You're right. We specifically asked the modeling agency to send someone with big hair. Instead, we got the internationally known supermodel and prima donna Cindee (pronounced shar-DAY) who refused to have her hair elevated. So we did the next best thing and gave the big hair to the baby she was holding.
A MIND LIKE A SPONGE
Dear Fishheads:
Please send me information. Thanks.
Mark Frank
Indianapolis
Okay. According to the World Almanac, the county of Aurora in South Dakota has a population of 3,135. According to Webster's
New World Dictionary, the word "vague" means: "not clearly, precisely, or dqinitely expressed or stated."
ALL THINGS SCATOLOGICAL
I am a "Next Generation" fan, and I have some questions. Does Lt. Commander Data have bowel movements? Does he have orgasms? We know that he eats, and we know that he has sex. Where does the food go? When he has sex, does he ejaculate? If he doesn't, I guess it would mean coitus ad infinitum with a machine. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Anyway, please explain. I do not understand.
Sincerely,
Bored Numb on the North Side
PS. I was going to write Steve Hall, but somehow I didn't think he'd pursue any answers for me.
Everything Lt. Commander Data eats is converted into a paste similar to Cheez Whiz. During sex, this paste is excreted through his penis much like Play Doh through a Play Doh Fun Factory. Steve Hall's excretory system works the same way, and like cans of Cheez Miz, Steve is equipped with several different applicator tips.
LAWYERS ARE STANDING BY
I've enjoyed Fishheads and wish your publication the best, but I'm also sorry to inform you that The Star does not permit local publications to reprint material from our pages.
Yours truly,
Frank Caperton
Managing Editor
The Indianapolis Star
The preceding letter was in response to our request to reprint Steve Hall's column on cake decorating.
DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME
Dear Fishheads:
Rob Day
Indiafuckinapolis
We've enjoyed your cartoons and wish you the best, but we're also sorry to inform you that we do not allow local cartoonists to reprint our logo. Regrettably, your punishment is to kiss Frank Caperton right on the mouth.